...so i touched it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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