He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
