Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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