She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
