My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
