Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
