I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
