Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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