My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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