She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
