I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
