whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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