The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
