Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
