I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize