I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
