did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
