I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
