Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
