once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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