dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This house was built for laser tag.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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