My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
