Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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