i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
