WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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