If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
