yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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