i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
