When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
