We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
