her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
