I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
