woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
