it hurts more in the daytime
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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