It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
