there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sorry my hands just texted you
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
