So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize