Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
