someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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