Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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