If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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