There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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