Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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