woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
