If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
