I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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