I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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