I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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