The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
