So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
