when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Still dying that you shit outside
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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