i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
