the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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