No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
