so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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