$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
